Joke

[Skidoox]

Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and I would like to have someone to share it with."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

 

[Skidoox]

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm.

The local drunk saw this and asked, "Hey, whatcha doin' with that pig?"
"That's not a pig, you stupid ass!" she said coldly. "That's a duck."

The drunk replied. "I was talking to the duck."

 

[leisureexpress]

 

[Skidoox]

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2021. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

 

[Skidoox]

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping.

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented: "Hmmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are 20 $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied: "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

 

[leisureexpress]

Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows.

"Twenty dollars", she whispers.

Boudreaux had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?", asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife!", Boudreaux answers sounding annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."

Boudreaux says, "Well, neither did I... til ya shined dat light on her face.

 

[Skidoox]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know. The thing."

 

[Skidoox]

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

 

[Skidoox]

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict.

The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

 

[Skidoox]

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

 

[Skidoox]

Donkey Raffle

Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, just return my money to me," Kenny said.

"Sorry, can't do that," said the farmer. "I already spent it."

"OK then, just unload the donkey," said Kenny.

"Whatcha gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

"I'm going to raffle him off," Kenny replied.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer exclaimed.

"Of course I can," replied Kenny. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A few weeks later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "So, what happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00," explained Kenny.

"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired the farmer.

"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back," Kenny proudly replied.

 

[Skidoox]

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

 

[Skidoox]

A businessman got into an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, 'T-G-I-F'
He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'

She looked at him puzzled and said, 'T-G-I-F' again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F' another time.

The man smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said, 'T-G-I-F. Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?'

The man answered, 'S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey It's Thursday'.

 

[Skidoox]

One night a police officer named Mike returned home at 3:00 a.m. after working a late shift. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark and got in bed with his wife.

As soon as he settled in she said, “Honey, can you go over to the drug store and pick me up some aspirin?”

Mike agreed to go, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the drug store. When he got to the drug store, he got the aspirin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up.

The clerk looked at him for a moment and asked, “Say, aren't you Mike Murphy?”

Mike answered him and said, “Yes I am.”

The clerk looked puzzled and asked, “Well, aren't you a police officer?”

And again Mike replied yes.

The clerk scratched his head for a second and said, “Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?”

 

[Skidoox]

A drunk man was walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth.

A policeman came up to him and asked, “Sir, what are you doing?”

The drunk replied, “I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys.”

The police officer said, “Sir, do you know your zipper is down?”

The drunk replied, “Damn, I lost my wife too!”

 

[Skidoox]

My 10-year old son asked me, "There are so many people in the world. When they die, is Heaven going to fill up?"

I replied, "No, that's most unlikely. The number of people who will actually go there is much smaller than those who think they'll go there. Hell is full of people who are incredibly surprised."

 

[leisureexpress]

 

[leisureexpress]

 

[Skidoox]

A man died and went to Heaven.

He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have
never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.

The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told
only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Joe Biden's clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[Skidoox]

Gina got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it".

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."