Fiction Makes The Best Facts

SnoWest study solves global warming crisis: Part 3 of a never-ending global warming nightmare

White Out & Wide Open—The Blog Steve Janes
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Published online: Oct 10, 2014

White Out & Wide Open—The Blog

(ED--We’re going through our old blogs and reposting them so you can get a little taste of winter during these summer months.)      

A recent study conducted by SnoWest Magazine has “once and for all” ended the debate on the global warming crisis. This crisis, perhaps the greatest threat to the human race since the discovery of bell-bottom pants, has plagued social scientists for the past decade in their efforts to end the man-caused destruction of earth, while conveniently milking millions of dollars for “research.”          

And the conclusion of the SnoWest study (which unfortunately received no federal funding), may turn the entire scientific community upside-down.       

Unlike other studies (which happened to receive millions of dollars from federally-funded programs), the SnoWest study is based on exclusive irrefutable proof that man can actually do something about reversing the earth’s warming trends (which actually don’t exist … but for the sake of the entire global warming argument, we all need to pretend that cooling temperatures are actually part of the global warming trend).         

Our study, conducted over 30 years through personal observation, shows that snow-covered areas that are compressed by snowmobile tracks take longer to melt in the spring than those areas not tracked by snowmobiles. And the more packed the trails are, the slower the melting process.       

This means that if it takes longer to melt the snow, then the ground temperatures under the snowpack will remain cooler for a longer period of time—hence, the earth’s temperature is being cooled. Problem solved. Now we can start to focus on punishing whoever invented bell-bottoms.          

But what’s really interesting is that the SnoWest Study has also laid a course of action for countries to follow to make certain global warming never again pokes up its ugly head. And the solution is simple: All funding or future funding that would normally be earmarked for those people who have profited from the global warming myth would now be transferred to the snowmobile community. (The more sleds on the snow, the more snow that gets tracked/packed.)       

The first step is to earmark $1 billion to snowmobile manufacturers for research and development of snowmobiles (and to drive the prices down to around $12 per sled). Next, snowmobilers would receive tax credits and incentives to allow them to quit their jobs so they can ride more often. (Naturally, those Western riders who have long tracks would receive more incentives than those Midwest riders who have shorter tracks. It’s only fair.)   

Finally, SnoWest Magazine should receive retro-funding for all the research done in solving this world crisis. (We don’t want much … perhaps just a percentage of the multi-billion dollar funding that went to mega corporations who benefited from the entire global warming scam … and the Nobel Peace Prize would also be a nice gesture (after all, President Obama got one for doing less).      

We’re also quite confident that our future studies on “how snowmobiling is much more fun than war” and “how world hunger can be solved by putting more Hot Doggers on sleds” should lead to additional accolades and entitle us to even more government grants.

It’s amazing how a small publishing company in Idaho can find simple solutions to world problems.

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