Joke

[Skidoox]

A man came home one day and said to his wife: "Honey, what would you do if I said I'd won the lottery?"

She sneered: "I'd take half and then leave you."

"Excellent," he replied. "I hit 3 numbers and won $10. Here's $5, pack your bags and get out."

 

[Skidoox]

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

 

[Skidoox]

A little boy walked up to homeplate in an empty baseball field, with his bat and ball in hand.

As he threw the ball up in the air, he proclaimed, "I am the best ball player ever!" He swung with all his might, but missed.

He did the same thing and missed again.

He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time, said "I am the best ball player in the world!" Then he swung and missed again.

"Wow!" he said. "What a pitcher!"

 

[Skidoox]

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

 

[Skidoox]

A penguin walks into a bar. He goes to the counter and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"
Bartender replies, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

 

[Skidoox]

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.






It's called wedding cake.

 

[Skidoox]

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, Oh, they're nice, but if a strangers ugly, you're like, What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

 

[Skidoox]

A man walked up to the counter of an auto-part store. "Excuse me," he said, "I'd like to get a new gas cap for my Yugo."
"Sure," the clerk replied. "Sounds like a fair exchange to me."

 

[Skidoox]

Lee wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his co-workers were continually ribbing him on the job. One in particular, Rick, would greet him each morning and precipitate this exchange:
"Say Lee, you seen Ben?"
"Ben who?"
"Ben' down and kiss my a$$!"
Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Lee confided in his friend Susie who said, "Listen, next time you see Rick, ask him if he's seen Eileen. Rick will ask, 'Eileen who?', and you say, 'I lean over and you kiss MY a$$.'"
Memorizing his lines, Lee went to work early to wait for Rick. As soon as he arrived, Lee ran over to him.
"Hey Rick," he said, "have you seen Eileen?"
"No," Rick answered, "she ran off with Ben."
Lee frowned, "Ben who?"

 

[Skidoox]

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him.

The young man felt sorry for them and asked "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?"

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50."

The young man said, "Wow! That's commendable." He then turned to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?"

The wife replied "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."

 

[Skidoox]

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.
A man came in and asked the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?'
The farmer shook his head and replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So what happened that's so horrible?' the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.'
'Okay,' said the man, 'but that's not so bad.' 'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer replied.
'So what happened then?' the man asked. The farmer said, 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.'
'And then?' 'Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.'
Man laughed and said, 'Again?' The farmer replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So, what did you do then?' the man asked. 'I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.'
'And then?' 'Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.
Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
'Hmmm . . . ' the man said and nodded his head. 'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer said.
'So, what did you do?' the man asked.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain.'

 

[Skidoox]

What's the difference between a vision and a sight?
When my wife gets dressed up for a party she looks like a vision and when she wakes up in the morning she's a sight!

 

[Skidoox]

Business One-liners

If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.
If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

 

[Skidoox]

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl .. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

 

[Skidoox]

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says.
Wow! she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is $ex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."

 

[Skidoox]

I'm in my 30's; everybody is having kids or miracles. Oh, its a miracle. Its always a miracle. I'm like, You had sex, right? Yeah? Then no, that's exactly whats supposed to happen from that. I spend all my time preventing miracles; that is whats happening. I call it a miracle when the girl doesn't get pregnant. That's when I start getting spiritual.

 

[Skidoox]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy

 

[Mafesto]

Boss: Why did you have sex with that girl?

Employee: She was just laying there, naked. What was I supposed to do?

Boss: The autopsy. You were supposed to do the f_ing autopsy!

 

[Skidoox]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

 

[Skidoox]

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."