Joke

av8er

Well-known member
Lifetime Membership
Sep 16, 2006
4,538
1,235
113
Kalispell, MT.
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it."
 

av8er

Well-known member
Lifetime Membership
Sep 16, 2006
4,538
1,235
113
Kalispell, MT.
Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and Whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares At the guy, looks at Hillary, looks Back at the agent, and shakes his head "no." The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a Unanimous request of the entire Team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy." Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when The agent tells him The fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders And says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly,baby..." With that, Bill grabs Hillary by her collar and the Seat of her pants, Lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto The field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "F*cking idiot!". The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & Down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is Bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what Is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out The first PITCH."
 

Skidoox

Well-known member
Lifetime Membership
Sep 4, 2001
3,419
3,013
113
Provo, UT
I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.
 

Skidoox

Well-known member
Lifetime Membership
Sep 4, 2001
3,419
3,013
113
Provo, UT
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic **** magazine! What ever are we going to do?" "Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
 

Skidoox

Well-known member
Lifetime Membership
Sep 4, 2001
3,419
3,013
113
Provo, UT
Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
 

Skidoox

Well-known member
Lifetime Membership
Sep 4, 2001
3,419
3,013
113
Provo, UT
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around and asks, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
 

05900

can't get Eddie Vedder than this. . .
Lifetime Membership
Nov 27, 2007
10,205
3,846
113
Where the Buffalo roam
A guy walks in.........ok, he did not walk in, he was already there. One guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married, did you?". The other guy says, "I don't know; what was her maiden name?".
 

05900

can't get Eddie Vedder than this. . .
Lifetime Membership
Nov 27, 2007
10,205
3,846
113
Where the Buffalo roam
A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

He says, "I was talking to the duck."

:drum:
 

05900

can't get Eddie Vedder than this. . .
Lifetime Membership
Nov 27, 2007
10,205
3,846
113
Where the Buffalo roam
An Irishman walks into a bar, and tells the bartender "I'll have three rounds, all at once." So the bartender gets his order but says to the man "Sir, you'd enjoy them better sir if I served them to you one at a time."
The Irishman replies "No, its a tradition. Back in Dublin, my brothers and I would all go to the pub and have a round together. I moved over here a few years ago but I still keep the tradition." Touched by the story, the bartender served the rounds, and went about his business.
The Irishman returned for several nights. One night, the Irishman comes in and only orders two rounds. The bartender shaken, asks "what happened? Did one of your brothers die? "
The Irishman laughed and replied, "No, I quit drinking!"
 

Skidoox

Well-known member
Lifetime Membership
Sep 4, 2001
3,419
3,013
113
Provo, UT
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but *******s.
 

Skidoox

Well-known member
Lifetime Membership
Sep 4, 2001
3,419
3,013
113
Provo, UT
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
 

Skidoox

Well-known member
Lifetime Membership
Sep 4, 2001
3,419
3,013
113
Provo, UT
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"
 

Skidoox

Well-known member
Lifetime Membership
Sep 4, 2001
3,419
3,013
113
Provo, UT
During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
 

Skidoox

Well-known member
Lifetime Membership
Sep 4, 2001
3,419
3,013
113
Provo, UT
My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said, "Come on, get in the car. We’re going to the gas station."
 

Skidoox

Well-known member
Lifetime Membership
Sep 4, 2001
3,419
3,013
113
Provo, UT
A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack." She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister." She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the nude, and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"
 

Skidoox

Well-known member
Lifetime Membership
Sep 4, 2001
3,419
3,013
113
Provo, UT
Q: Why are most hurricanes named after women?



A: Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.
 
Premium Features