A little boy was in the bath with his mom. The boy said, "What's that hairy thing, mommy?" She replied, "That is my sponge." "Oh yes," said the boy, "The babysitter has got one too. I've seen her washing dad's face with it."
A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?" The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!"
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
Two blonds are on the opposite sides of a very busy street in California. One blond yells to the other, "How do I get to the other side of the street?" The other blonds yells back, "You're already on the other side of the street".
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Johhny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a time. ..No one moves. ..He removes his shirt. ..Muscles ripple across his chest. ..She gasps... ..He whispers: "Iron this, and get me something to eat...
A man walks out of a liquor store carrying a brown paper bag, a Native American sees him and ask "what's in the bag?" He replies "I got a bottle of wine for my wife." Native American says "Umm, good trade!"
A priest is sitting in a confession box and has to go to the bathroom. He calls an alter boy over and says, "I have to go pee and I need you to take over." Not knowing what to do, the alter boy asks for help. The priest says, "Just give them a few Hail Marys and send them on their way." Soon after, a blonde woman walks in the booth and says, "Forgive me father. I have committed a sin. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob." The alter boy is confused, so he asks another nearby alter boy, "What does the priest usually give for a blowjob?" The second alter boy replies, "I don't know about you, but my price is a candy bar and a Pepsi."
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?" "Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer. "And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?" "Sure is, Bubba." "And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?" "Yep." "And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?" "That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?" "Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?
A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once again the boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." But the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks the boy. "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want."