Didn't see that coming.
Jan 25, 2009 - 04:05:06 CST
By CINDY PETERSON
Bismarck Tribune
Nina Topp lived the ideal life as a teenager.
She grew up on a farm near Grace City. She was a good student and a standout girls basketball player.
Little girls who followed basketball in the Grace City area probably idolized Topp for her talent, and some of her peers likely envied her.
In the fall of 1995, Topp led the Midkota Mustangs to their first Class B state championship with a victory over juggernaut Washburn at the Minot State Dome.
That same night, Topp brought home the most coveted individual award of the season, sharing North Dakota's Miss Basketball award with Katie Richards of Hope-Page and Lisa Maus of Hatton.
Known for her dazzling ballhandling skills, Topp was offered a full scholarship to play for Weber State, an NCAA Division I school in Utah that plays in the Big Sky Conference.
A state title. Individual accolades. A Division I scholarship. On the outside, Topp appeared to be living the dream. On the inside, she was a mess.
Topp started taking antidepressants when she entered high school. She stayed on them part way through graduate school.
"I couldn't put a finger on why I was so unhappy," Topp said. "I had a profound sadness. The antidepressants worked, so I could get through the day, but I was still lifeless."
Now, at 30 years old, Topp is full of life and is the happiest she's ever been.
But not as Nina Topp.
Topp was diagnosed with gender identity disorder and began a gender transition two years ago. She legally changed her name to Lucian "Luke" Jude.
Jude goes through hormone therapy and is starting to grow a goatee. He underwent a double mastectomy and a complete hysterectomy, a procedure that was done two months ago, which completed the transition.
Jude must get his hormone levels tested periodically so they don't become dangerous to his heart.
"For the first time, I have been happy with my life,"Jude said. "Now I'm clear on who I am. I don't identify as a man. I identify as Luke. I'm a lot happier."
After Midkota
Jude played basketball at Weber State for 1½ years before breaking a bone in his back, which ended his career. He earned a bachelor's degree in anthropology with minors in sociology and Asian studies. He then attended graduate school at Florida International and earned a master's degree in sociology. It was there where he started working at YES Institute, a non-profit educational organization that offers training on gender and orientation.
From there, Jude attended the doctoral program in sociology at Massachusetts-Amherst, where he studied for three years. Jude returned to Miami and is the director of communications for YES.
"The education at YES saved my life,"Jude says in a statement on the organization's Web site. "When I began my gender transition at 28 years old, I was excited but terrified. I knew I couldn't pretend any longer to be a woman, but I was confused and overwhelmed by the steps I had to take and by the messages I received from other people. YES helped me get clear that gender is a just a bunch of made-up meanings, which really set me free."
Confusion
Jude recalled being confused when he was a child. He used to run around his family's farm shirtless and wearing men's long underwear. His sister invited some friends to their farm and asked their mom to "make Nina put on a shirt. It's embarrassing."
"My mom told me to put on a shirt,"Jude said. "She said 'You're a girl. You're getting breasts.' I knew something was happening. I became conscious of my body and what it meant to other people. I didn't relate to anything girly at all. I didn't like girl stuff. Growing up, Ihad the freedom to do what I wanted and dress how I wanted."
Jude's mom, Sonja Holmes, accepted the fact her child was gay. Jude came out of the closet when he was a junior in college, which wasn't a shock to Holmes.
"That was pretty hard for me to deal with,"Holmes said. "You always hope for your kids to have what is normal and acceptable get married and have two-and-a-half children, and everything is great. But she didn't seem too settled there. She didn't seem to establish a relationship."
That set the table for the gender transition. Jude started his gender transition when he was living in Amherst. It wasn't an overnight decision.
"It was a gradual shift in consciousness,"Jude said. "About 2½ years ago I got uncomfortable with people calling me 'a girl' and 'she.' It was untolerable. I started to request to a couple close friends not to call me that. I wanted them to just start calling me 'a boy' and 'he,' and then I could see how that feels. As soon it was available to me, that was how I wanted to be seen in the world."
Jude knew that people wouldn't relate to him as a male with his female body.
"It seemed really freaky to alter my body,"Jude said. "It was a dark space in my life. I did a lot of research online to see what was possible and available to transition. That didn't help me a whole lot."
Choosing a name
Then Jude officially changed his name, which gave him documentation to reflect who he really was.
He picked the name Lucian because it means "bringer of light."
"Iwanted an 'n' in my name because everybody knew me as Nina,"Jude said.
He chose the last name Jude because he attends a yoga class with a woman called Jude, a name that appeals to him.
"The whole name (Nina Topp)seemed female,"Jude said. "I didn't want to be female.
"When I transitioned, I thought I would lose my whole family," he added. "Changing my last name was something I thought they would appreciate. They could be disassociated from me."
But Holmes wasn't about to desert her own child.
"My first emotion was disbelief," Holmes said. "After that, I don't know if I was just angry or hurt. I'm not really sure if you ever accept it. A mother's love is unconditional.
"I have trouble calling her Luke,"Holmes added. "I'm the only one who can call her Nina without getting reprimanded."
Telling the family
Since his parents are divorced, Jude unleashed the news about his transition separately in a letter.
"My dad was more vocal about his feelings, which I appreciated him letting me know where he was at with this," Jude said. "My mom came to visit me in Miami. It was very upsetting for her to see me and know what I was undertaking. She cried most of the visit."
Holmes' visits to Miami have been uncomfortable.
"It's difficult to go where she lives,"Holmes said. "It's a gay, transgender, ******* community. I don't fit in well. I'm a little uncomfortable, but it's probably just me."
Jude found the most support with her grandmother on her mom's side, which helped his mom be more accepting.
"Iexpected her to say. 'I don't want anything to do with you,' " Jude said. "She said, 'You never have to be afraid of grandma. You have me no matter what.' I feel more authenticity and love with my mom and grandma than I ever have in my whole life. They still call me Nina. My dad is adjusting. I haven't seen him or my other grandparents since I started transitioning."
His sister in Pittsburgh has been supportive.
"At the start, I submitted to the fact that I was going to lose them,"Jude said. "It was horrifying. I felt empty not having any connectiveness with my upbringing. Hearing my family say, 'I love you' on the phone is a saving grace. I don't know if they know the impact it has on me."
Holmes has never seen her child more happy.
"She seems so happy and comfortable, and she's not depressed anymore," Holmes said. "To me, she's a responsible individual. She supports herself. She has a really good job. All of those things are positive. She's a very good writer and a very good communicator. She was just born into the wrong body. She was raised as a girl.
"I try to think of other families who have worse conditions,"Holmes added. "As long as she's responsible and happy, we shouldn't be disappointed. You don't always get what you want."
Through the Internet and social networking sites such as Facebook, some of Jude's high school friends have reconnected with him. He has visited North Dakota only two or three times since he graduated from Midkota, with the most recent visit being three years ago.
"Some friends from high school made the first move," Jude said. "One of my friends in my class contacted me via e-mail, and one of my older friends contacted me. They have all been supportive."
Challenges, gladness
One of the most challenging aspects for Jude has been dealing with the health care system. He has been denied health care by seven different doctors.
"A couple of them said they don't accept transgender patients,"Jude said. "With the others, I didn't get a clear answer."
Even though Jude is going through menopause and puberty at 30, there's been no second thoughts on the transition.
"It is like I'm experiencing life for the first time, with the sadness lifted,"Jude said. "I want to play in the world for the first time. This has given me life. I rather would have been dead than be related to as a woman a second longer."
Jude recently has been reconnected with his life in high school and with North Dakota basketball. His mom sent him a couple boxes of things she had been storing for him.
In one of the boxes was his Miss Basketball award.
"I have no where to put it in my studio apartment,"Jude said.
Winning the most coveted award is something Jude still likes to boast about.
"I mention it a couple times when I want to brag about my accomplishments," he said. "But outside of North Dakota, basketball isn't as such a big deal, especially high school basketball. In North Dakota it is the center of the world, which I loved being there, but it doesn't impress most people.
