Joke

Skidoox · Mar 29, 2018

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me.This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up."
"Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

Skidoox · Mar 29, 2018

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV...
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Jack says, 'You know what, I bet he will.' The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, 'Fair's fair... Here's your money.' Jack replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump.
'The blonde replies, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.' Jack took the money..

Skidoox · Mar 29, 2018

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Skidoox · Mar 30, 2018

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."

Pro-8250 · Apr 2, 2018

Bills doctor walks into the exam room and tells his patient Bill, "I have some bad news, you have cancer and you have only have two months to live". Bill sitting in a chair puts his head down in his hands and cries. Then the doctor says "Bill there is more bad news, you also have Alzheimer's". Bill looks up at the doctor with a smile on his face and replies " thank God, at least I don't have cancer!

Skidoox · Apr 2, 2018

Ted walks into a bar and shouts out, "So... who's the strongest person in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says, "I am the strongest person around these parts!"
Ted politely asks, "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

Skidoox · Apr 2, 2018

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over."Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Skidoox · Apr 3, 2018

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, Same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn’t believe it!
He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

Skidoox · Apr 3, 2018

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."

Skidoox · Apr 4, 2018

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Skidoox · Apr 4, 2018

A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.
Her husband asked the reason.
She replied, “I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it’s not recognizing me without makeup.”

Skidoox · Apr 4, 2018

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"
"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

Skidoox · Apr 4, 2018

This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."

She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.

But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.

"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.

The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."

"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."

Pro-8250 · Apr 6, 2018

The 51 year old mom leaves the farm to visit her daughter in her new apartment in the big city. As her proud daughter shows her mom around the new apartment she shows her mom the newest electronic device. The proud daughter tells her mom to ask it any question and it will answer your question. Her mom looking skeptical pauses for a moment and then ask, "how is Auntie Martha's arthritis?"

coyoteman · Apr 6, 2018

A trucker's wife finds 3 parrots for sale. $170, $150 and one for $10
She asks why the last parrot is so cheap. The pet store owner said "it used to live in a whore house"
The woman laughs and buys it. When she gets it home the parrot says "Wow a new whore house!" She laughs.
When her two daughters come home the parrot says "Dang!!! 2 new gals". they all laugh.
When her husband walks in the door the parrot says "Hi Joe! I see you found the new place!"
That's how the fight started.

Skidoox · Apr 6, 2018

A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them.
Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself."
The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets!"

Skidoox · Apr 6, 2018

After delivering a speech at an elementary school, the president lets the kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?”
Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class.
“Where were we?” says the president. “Oh, yes… do you kids have any questions?”
Another boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?”

Skidoox · Apr 6, 2018

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous,and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?, You,sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man in the front row lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

Skidoox · Apr 6, 2018

At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.
Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.
The Boss asked him, 'Didn’t you understand my joke?'
The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.'

Pro-8250 · Apr 8, 2018

The wife bitching at her husband that she wanted a special birthday present on her 50th birthday. She demanded that she got something that was sleek, shiny, and would go from zero to 300 in two seconds. He went out and bought her a scale.

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