Joke

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."

“Did you hear the one about the woman who threw her toaster away because it kept burning the bread? She was black toast intolerant.”

“I couldn't find the car window scraper this morning, so I used a plastic store discount card to clean my windows. It didn't work very well. I only got 20% off.”

Three NFL fans of a losing team were drowning their sorrows at a sports bar after the team lost yet again. The first fan said, "I blame the coach. If he developed better plays, we'd be a great team."
The second fan nodded and replied, "I blame the players. They just don't try hard enough."
The third fan thought for a moment and then said, "I blame my mom and dad. If I'd been born in Boston, I'd be supporting a better team."

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, she goes back to her book.

Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"

She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, he goes back to reading his book.

The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"

Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference."

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"

Rules Kids Won't Learn in School


Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase “it's not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $50,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Fifty Cent all weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It's my life,” and “You're not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.
"What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
"It's right here, with me."

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in College Station that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says."I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home."So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "
Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read... so he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited."Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that young lady who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed,"I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and then went into politics.

Mom: Having trouble with your computer, son?
Son: My PC says it can't see my printer.
Mom: I'm not surprised. Look how messy your room is.

Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females."

"How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie.

Joe replied, "That was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of beer and the 2 females were on the phone."

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
Defrost the chicken..

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

His girlfriend’s father was interviewing Young Charles.
“So,” said the father, “you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"
“No, not particularly,” said Charles tactlessly, “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”

A man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, and asked the same question.
Again, not amused, she screamed at him to leave. Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door.
When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.
The man replied, "Great, give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from though out the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.