Joke
- Thread starter av8er
- Start date
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"
He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..."
Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!"
She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."
He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..."
Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!"
She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."
A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him.
Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street.
So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?".
Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?"
So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope.
So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope."
So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?"
he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"
Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street.
So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?".
Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?"
So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope.
So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope."
So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?"
he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and the sleigh was broken.
Santa was furious. ‘I can’t believe it!’ he yells. ‘I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel to find one hours ago! What am I going to do?’
Just then, the little angel opens the front door and steps in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. ‘Oi fatty!’ she says. ‘Where d’you want me to stick this?’ And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
Santa was furious. ‘I can’t believe it!’ he yells. ‘I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel to find one hours ago! What am I going to do?’
Just then, the little angel opens the front door and steps in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. ‘Oi fatty!’ she says. ‘Where d’you want me to stick this?’ And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
A little boy comes running Into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?" The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"
The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"
The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"
Two Texans are arguing over how large their property is. The first guy says "Well I'll put it to you this way, I can get in my truck before sunrise, drive all day long, and by sundown I still haven't hit the other side of my spread."
The other fella looks down, spits, and says "Yeah, I used to have a truck like that."
The other fella looks down, spits, and says "Yeah, I used to have a truck like that."
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.
Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure I love to drink.
Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. We call it Tequila Monday and that's all we do. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead!
Guy: No way!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before ...
Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean ...
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It's okay! You're already dead!!
Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!
Devil: So... are you gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you're gonna HATE Fridays!
Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure I love to drink.
Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. We call it Tequila Monday and that's all we do. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead!
Guy: No way!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before ...
Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean ...
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It's okay! You're already dead!!
Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!
Devil: So... are you gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you're gonna HATE Fridays!
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”
What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists?
. . . You can negotiate with terrorists.
The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it?
. . . Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy, the answer is obvious.
. . . You can negotiate with terrorists.
The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it?
. . . Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy, the answer is obvious.
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. "No!" yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. "For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?" The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. "I froze to death. How about you?" "I had a heart attack." "How did that happen?" "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack." "That's ironic." "Why?" "If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive."
Similar threads
