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av8er 01-09-2015 09:31 AM

Joke
 
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Helena, MT. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

wrtmani 01-10-2015 03:08 PM

Leave the splinters in and declare the area a National Monument like our Richard-Cranium-in-Chief....

Skidoox 01-10-2015 09:11 PM

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said, "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Skidoox 01-10-2015 09:13 PM

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go. So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her. When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks, "Why are you thanking me?" "Because son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree."

Skidoox 01-10-2015 09:16 PM

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

Skidoox 01-10-2015 09:17 PM

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat?
Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
Boy: Is it a good baby?
Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

Skidoox 01-10-2015 09:19 PM

10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.

Mafesto 01-11-2015 07:13 AM

A Chicago Bear, a Detroit Lion & a Minnesota Viking walk into a bar.............
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
to watch the playoffs.

allied1 01-11-2015 11:38 AM

^^^Haha!!! Watch out next year though!:face-icon-small-dis

Mafesto 01-11-2015 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by allied1 (Post 3775560)
^^^Haha!!! Watch out next year though!:face-icon-small-dis

Yeah,
I've been sayin that since Tommy Kramer was slinging passes!

av8er 01-12-2015 12:27 PM

Dude
 
the joke about the girl in the Tree is Messed up, I laughed hard, but that is so WRONG. :noidea::noidea:

Skidoox 01-12-2015 04:17 PM

Q: What is the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?


A: The skid marks in front of the skunk.

Skidoox 01-12-2015 04:24 PM

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Deep Powder Guy 01-19-2015 07:12 PM

A man who has not been been able to talk his entire life one day read an advertisement by a doctor that said for $200.00 the doctor can make anyone talk...So eager and hopeful the man went to the doctor and paid the $200....

The doctor instructed the man to go into the room and take off all his clothing and after he takes off his clothes to turn off the lights and bend over placing both hands on his knee's while standing in the middle of the dark room......

Moments later a loud AAAAAAAAAAAA comes from the room. The doctor turns on the lights and tells the man to come back tomorrow to learn B

DPG

SLEDPEDDLER 01-26-2015 06:34 AM

BEST BARTENDER JOKE EVER

A Suspended Lawyer,
an Illegal Alien,
a Pathological Liar,
a Muslim,
a Communist,
a Free-loader
and a Black Guy walk into a BAR.



Bartender says.....



















"What'll it be, Mr. President?”

SLEDPEDDLER 01-26-2015 06:35 AM

A very cute Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man
wearing a turban, who was eating shrimp. Every time he ate one, he
deliberately spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to dodge or
deflect it.



He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she'd had enough of his rudeness, lack of manners, and his
total disdain of women.

She got up and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that,
you stupid female, worthless Infidel, Catholic bitch."

She smiled and said to him, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers,
you'll get 10 years in prison, you towel-headed goat fawker!"

Dobber1 03-09-2015 09:21 PM

How Yodelling Started

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of
Switzerland .

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went
Up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.?
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is
That man going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to
Stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate
Of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled
And straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps
The man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the
Barn,! And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew,
Her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued
On his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she
Broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she
Cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking
For the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with
My daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next
To his mouth, and yelled out.....







"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

Skidoox 03-10-2015 08:27 PM

What’s an Irish seven course dinner?













A six-pack and a potato.

Skidoox 03-10-2015 08:28 PM

A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.” The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.” The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

Skidoox 03-13-2015 09:16 PM

A patient says, “Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?” The doctor replies, “Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.”

Skidoox 03-13-2015 09:16 PM

A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, “What is this?!?” The wife turns to her lover and says, “See, I told you he was stupid!”

Skidoox 04-02-2015 04:43 PM

A man put out a classified ad that read, "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred responses all saying the same thing: "You can have mine."

Skidoox 04-02-2015 04:45 PM

A little boy was in the bath with his mom. The boy said, "What's that hairy thing, mommy?" She replied, "That is my sponge." "Oh yes," said the boy, "The babysitter has got one too. I've seen her washing dad's face with it."

Skidoox 04-02-2015 04:46 PM

A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?" The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!"

Skidoox 04-02-2015 04:47 PM

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."


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