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Let's Cross Country Ski

Published online: Jan 01, 2006 Column Steve Janes
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After much soul searching I've come to the conclusion that we should all be cross country skiers. That's right. Give up snowmobiles and strap flat sticks to our feet. It would only make the world better.

You see, the problem with the world today is that there are too many individuals. How can we be one with nature if we're not all one?

So in interest of world harmony, let us all be cross country skiers.

Boy, now that that's settled, I'm starting to feel better. And all our land use issues are solved . well, almost all.

Since we are all cross country skiers, let us all own dogs. After all, if one cross country skier has a dog and another one doesn't, then there are possibilities of contention. So let us all own dogs. And it can't be those small yippy mutts. We have to all own the big ones. Let's say labs. Black labs (can't have any color barriers here).

And since we are all cross country skiers with our own black labs, we must all drive the same type cars-Subarus. Outback wagons. Champagne Gold Opal with 5-speed transmissions and a roof cargo basket. This is starting to go beyond harmony and is bordering world peace.

Now, with our cross country skis, black labs and Subarus, we all ought to hit the trails the same day-let's say Sundays since this is our religion and nature is our god. Six days a week let us all work for the common cause of mankind. And on the seventh, it's to the trailhead with our skis, dogs and Subarus. I'm really starting to feel the love here.

But wait. We can't have some going to one trailhead and others going to another. Why, that just wouldn't be equal. We must all share in the same experience. So let's just have one trailhead and one trail that we can all share with our dogs. Now we're talking Woodstock on skis. A virtual Utopia. Let's join hands.

Wait. There's a flaw in this. Even though we are all driving Subarus, the parking lot is just too small. And there are way too many people on the trails. And the dog thing (not to mention the butt sniffing) is just getting out of hand. It's just not working out. We need individual trails for each one-that means individual parking lots, trailheads, restroom facilities, etc.

Are you saying there's just not enough public land to accommodate for all of these demands? We'll just have to eliminate private property, instigate population controls and take all necessary actions in this most righteous search for harmony and world peace.

We must . we should . we could . oh, heck with it. Whose idea was it anyway to strap slick sticks to the bottom of feet to trudge through six feet of snow all day to cover 15 miles while abusing every muscle in my body when I could just hop on my snowmobile and leave the crowds behind as I experience nature?

Let's all become cross country skiers . what a stupid idea.