(EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to the controversial nature of this column, SnoWest Magazine maintains a neutral indifference to this topic and invites any opposing position for future responses.)
After two decades of personal involvement with outdoor recreation, I’ve finally concluded it would be irresponsible of me to not speak out against noise and emission pollution that seems to increase with each passing day.
All of us, as good Americans, have the responsibility to keep our land clean from obnoxious and irritating pollutants that affect our sight, sound and smell. Particularly, when we have the technology to clean it up, it is totally intolerable to have it continue. Thus, I have concluded that it is our civic obligation, even as snowmobilers, to ask the government to step in and ban this continued abuse from our public lands for once and for all.
The culprits I’m referring to are environmentalists.
Sure, I know some of you are saying that they aren’t all bad. In fact, most of them emit tolerant levels of pollutants … it’s only a few of the extreme—the modified zealots—who ruin things for the rest of them. We shouldn’t punish all environmentalists for the actions of a few.
But let’s face it. It’s been more than four decades and the noise and smell has just gotten worse. They keep whining and spreading the same old lies. They don’t exercise any level of personal hygiene, their personal grooming is worse than a goat (and I apologize if I offended any goats out there), and they continue to harm the environment.
Let’s take it point by point. First, noise: We’re all tired of hearing you environmentalists spout that same old emissions study conducted by some quacks in California back in the 1980s using ancient two-stroke technology. Let’s face it—the foundation of all their arguments is based in inaccurate information. Shut-the-heck-up already. We’re all tired of hearing the same old lies.
Second, emissions: Hey, have you heard of showers, toothpaste, breathe mints, etc.? There’s no reason you have to stink. Environmentalists may argue that the smell dissipates in the great outdoors. But what about those of us less fortunate who get trapped next to you people on buses, airplanes and other enclosures? It’s a well-documented fact that the stench you people put out kills brain cells. Just being around environmentalists makes others dumber.
What’s really sad is that we have the available technology to clean up this wretched smell. We have long-lasting breath mints, chewing gum, public showers, even diaper-wipes. And there’re razors, combs and brushes. Clothes can be washed, deodorant applied and soap used. All of this new technology has become readily accessible. Yet some environmentalists continue to disregard it, opting to remain “el natural” with their natural body oils (read sweat, BO).
Finally, harming the environment: Environmentalists have infiltrated all walks of life—but are most notably seen in the National Park Service and other government agencies that allow them the freedom to “commune with nature” at the taxpayer’s expense. Here, they have instigated policies that have devastated our natural resources and created long-term hardships to local economies. They pollute our legal systems. They poison the general public with gross misinformation. They attack our liberties and imprison our ability to enjoy these great lands.
Note, not all government employees are environmentalists … but those who aren’t have continued to look the other way while these extremists have run amuck in the system. It’s time to separate the good from the bad … and when in doubt, throw them out.
Even though the majority of this wide-spread destruction is caused by only a few, due to the calloused indifference by the environmentalist manufacturers (the Sierra Club, Wilderness Society, Greenpeace, World Wildlife Fund, The Nature Conservancy, Earth Island Institute, etc.), it has now become necessary to eliminate all environmentalists from public lands. Not only have these environmentalist manufacturers shirked their responsibilities to produce a cleaner, quieter environmentalist … in many instances they have actually done just the opposite. And each fund-raising letter these manufacturers mail continues to propagate the great lies and misinformation. It’s time to put these manufacturers out of business as well.
These are the facts. They are indisputable, undeniable and true. So it’s up to me to recognize them, no matter how awful they may seem, and call upon my congressmen to finally stop this great injustice and destruction to nature.
Please join me. Make copies of this column and send it to everyone you know. Send it to your congressmen with a personal note saying that enough is enough. We must ban environmentalists from all public land. And if you don’t have the time to get involved with this issue, send money (I always like money). And I promise I’ll use this money to buy and build a bigger, faster snowmobile so I can take this very important fight to the highest of the mountaintops.
So act now. And just in case you ever happen to run into one of these environmentalist in the wild … always carry some extra breath mints.
***We may not be able to control the noise and smell of environmentalists … but by supporting the BlueRibbon Coalition, we may be able to combat their lies and fight the legal battles. Find out how you can help by contacting the BlueRibbon Coalition at 1-800-258-3742.